If you’ve been watching the current Phillipe Starck thingy on the box (Design For Life) you’ll know that designers … well … they can be a bit precious, a bit daft, and occasionally quite mad.

Some of the ideas pitched by the students beggar belief, but none of them can quite match the antic capers of Starck himself.

His account of evolution in the episode I caught was one of the funniest things I’ve seen on TV in ages: “To start wiz, we was bacteria! Zen feesh. Aftair, we become frog … Perhaps tomorrow I will jump on zis box and fly!”

I’m sure you will Phillipe, I’m sure you will.

Flights of fancy are at the heart of a rather more focussed design competition launched by Electrolux, the results of which were unveiled at 100% Design today.

The entrants were asked to design home appliances that will shape how people prepare and store food, wash clothes, and do dishes over the next nine decades.

The winner was a cooker that will, err, ‘make’ meat and fish by heating up animal molecules. So there’ll be no need to go out and spear a salmon or kill a calf (can’t see Gordon Ramsay liking that one).

There’s also a fridge that will teleport food straight to its shelves (hmm, wonder where they got that idea from?) and a personal flying rainwater catcher based on a hummingbird.

No futuristic competition worth its salt would be complete without a product designed to appal Prince Charles – so step forward the washing machine that does something unspeakable with nano-technology and negative ions.

And last, but by no means least, let’s hear it for the bug-eyed mobile greenhouse designed to facilitate the future exploration and population of Mars (like we haven’t made a big enough mess of this planet…)

Well done to New York-based Stephen Holl Architects who recently won an international competition to design a new building for the Glasgow School of Art.

Coincidentally, the Art School’s main building was also the result of an architectural competition back in the 1890s, which was won by a then unknown Charles Rennie Mackintosh.

But my favourite competition construction in Glasgow is the Kelvingrove Museum and Art Gallery, whose winning design was created by a London firm of architects, also at the tail end of the 19 th century.

However, the urban myth that exists in Glasgow about this building’s history is probably better known than the actual reality. 

The widely held belief is that, following the competition, the gallery was actually built back-to-front, and the distraught architect subsequently committed suicide by throwing himself from one of its two tallest towers.

A quick look in the FAQ section on Kelvingrove’s official website has confirmed that this story is, indeed, just a rumour.

Having grown up with this tale - Glasgow’s my home city - I’m actually quite disappointed to know the truth (although happy for the architect in question, clearly.)  Is that wrong of me?

The Property: The ruined remains of a Grade II* listed country house

The Place: Chepstow, Monmouthshire

The Price: £2,000,000

The Pain: When we say ruined, we mean ruined: the place is a roofless echoing shell. It is, however, a Grade II* listed echoing shell, which means if you do take it on you’ll have to work closely with conservation officers, heritage bodies, and top notch craftsmen.

It’s hard to estimate how much it will cost to transform this into a habitable home but the agent thinks you’ll need around £10m-£15m under your mattress to do the job properly.

The Gain: This one is a bit special: designed by the great neo-classical architect Sir John Soanes (who designed the Bank of England, Dulwich Picture Gallery and the Royal Hospital Chelsea), it really is a prime piece of architectural heritage.

The house has the potential to be a quite magnificent private home but the grounds are equally impressive:129 acres of Grade I listed landscaped parkland.

The Agent: Jackson-Stops & Staff, Country Houses (Tel: 0843 2843 798).

Happy Arthur Day, one and all! If, like I was until a couple of hours ago, you were unaware of such a day, I can tell you that it’s in honour of Arthur Guinness who, 250 years ago today, signed the lease for his legendary brewery in Dublin.

Let me help you with the mental arithmetic, here:  that made it the year 1759. Which is why, at 17.59 GMT this evening, there’s going to be a toast to the great man in pubs around the world.

If ever there was an excuse needed to enjoy a pint of the black stuff, you can’t get a better one than that.

And, in our own humble tribute to Mr Guinness, this week’s 5 to View are homes in former breweries or brew houses.  Sláinte!

(Click on pics for full property details)

1. Fontmell Magna, Dorset
£500,000

2. North Walsham, Norfolk
£495,000

3. Hurstpierpoint, West Sussex
£187,000

4. Oswestry, Shropshire
£185,000

5. Crewkerne, Somerset
£102,500 (Offers Over)

First off, apologies for that headline … I have no excuse aside from the fact that it was marginally better than “Home-buyers will be singing in the terraces” (see what I did there … terra … oh forget it).

If association football is not your thing, look away now because we’re talking here, my friends, about today’s launch of 724 new apartments in the old Arsenal stadium at Highbury.

Highbury Square, as the development is called, cleverly recycles the pitch as a central garden square (accessed via the players’ tunnel!) and the old listed facades of the wonderful Art Deco East Stand.

The most expensive properties, unsurprisingly, look inward over the imaginatively redesigned pitch and have the highest price tags.

Prices start at £250,000 for a one-bed flat and climb to £1.5m for a three-bed penthouse.

Not exactly cheap …  but to your average Gooner this must look like a Nick Hornby fantasy come to life.

Here’s an interesting table showing FindaProperty.com’s hotspots in August.

The ranking is based on the most enquiries (sales and rent) generated per area, which, I think, is a more genuine measure of actual activity than, say, the number of pages or properties clicked on.

City centres and London dominate the list, and Bristol also seems to be doing especially well.  Any thoughts on why this might be the case?  If you live in one of these areas, we’d love to hear from you.

If you use Google today you’ll notice the current Google Doodle features a spaceship hovering over an English village – H.G. Wells was born on 21 September 1866 and the image is a reference to one of his most famous books: The War of the Worlds.

I’ve always found it mildly amusing that extraterrestrial commuters in Wells’s book chose to land in a relatively prosperous corner of leafy Surrey – Horsell Common, just outside Woking.

Were they guided by some intergalactic Kirstie Allsop? Was it, perhaps, the good schools, the quick train to London, the attractive surrounding countryside and the prospect of walks along the canal that informed their decision? Did they all plan to work in the City?

Whatever the reason, the locals, I’m guessing, probably didn’t share their enthusiasm – as the tripods started marching, there must surely have been estate agents and fretful homeowners muttering “this is really going to hammer local house prices.”

Anyway… the story, as we all know, ends with Tom Cruise saving the world and learning to be a responsible father – though if you’re ever in Woking keep in mind that this Hollywood version is a bit of a sore point and admire their nice alien tripod sculpture instead.

And here, just in case you thought there was no point at all to this post, are some houses in Horsell Common and Woking.

It’s back to school this week as we take a look at school conversions.

Top marks to whoever had the brainwave of turning these one-time educational establishments into homes.

Their typical features include high ceilings and a multitude of windows, which makes them a very clever choice for transformation into light-filled living spaces, and the buildings themselves tend to be solid, upstanding structures in fairly central locations.

Here are five fine examples of school conversions that we think deserve full points for effort.

(Click on pics for property details)

1. London SW11
£530,000

2. London E1
£349,950

3. London SW8
£270,000

4. New Mills, Derbyshire
£126,000

5. Cullingworth, West Yorkshire
from £125,000

This week’s graph comes from our shiny new House Prices & Affordability Index, the first edition of which was launched today.

What it shows is divergence in the marketplace: house prices rising at the upper end and falling at first-time buyer level.

Why the two-tier trend? Because those at the higher end – either cash rich or equity rich – are chasing a limited supply of larger properties, while those at the bottom, with limited access to finance, are still struggling to get a foot in the door.

Want to know more? Check out the full House Price Index.

We have an agricultural theme this week. This, quite simply, is because I have been Farmville-d.

If you haven’t a clue what I’m on about, you are very, very lucky.

Farmville is a seemingly innocent Facebook game, but be warned: it can take over your life. (My name is Jocelyn, and .. sob! … I am a Farmville addict…).

All day, you’ll be plagued by questions like: When will my blueberries be ready? Has my tractor re-fuelled? Fences or hedges? Should I sell my sheep? 

And, most crucially - for me, at any rate - will I ever be able to upgrade my pink cottage to a pink barn conversion?

It’s absolutely incessant.  I’m now planning my lunch hour around when I need to plough and plant.

This obsession has not gone unnoticed by my boss who, in an attempt to wean me off, suggested that this week’s Five to View should feature farms.  Real farms.*

(*None of them are as fabulous as my virtual one, though…)

(Click on pics for full property details)

1. New Barns Farm, Morpeth
£2,200,000 OIEO

2. Brampton, Cumbria
£995,000 Guide Price

3. Meadowhead Farm, Waterside
£900,000 OIEO

4. Baltimore, Co. Cork
£750,000

5. Greenockdyke Farm, Cumnock
£330,000

Bonus 5. Jocelyn’s Farm, Farmville
£ Priceless